Inviolate blue

Infra blackness red warmth to touch
Crimson petals of passions clutch
Scarlet nails trace the back of beyond
Vermillion’s lips, a chemical bond
Burnt orange; frictioned marks on skin
Tangerine dream boat: less than subtle grin
Golden morning light shines through
Amber tinted glass, refracted view
Chartreuse chanteuse whisper sings
Lime licked tongue with words and teeth, she stings
Emerald eyes glint, desires denote
Viridian ridden sheets, crumpled, emote
Electric blue, crackled kiss
Azure sure, too keen to miss
Indigo, in the soul, fire
Violet me, and you: cool blue desire.

Hold the Mayo

Mayo, is ubiquitous. And by that I mean, you walk into most western world convenience stores that sell off the shelf sandwiches and they will have mayo on them. It belies a general belief that everyone likes mayonnaise. I fucking hate the stuff. I hate its smell, I hate the taste and I hate the reaction I get from people who look at me like I landed from Mars when I say hold the goddamn mayo.

The reason I bring this bizarre little observation up, is because that seems to reflect a more generalist trend: that assumption about basic precepts of life are accepted by everyone and not given a second thought. That if you do not conform to a general precept, then there must be something wrong with you. i.e. if you view things differently to everyone else then you must be socially inept, non-conformist or mad. Whichever it is, you will be marked as ‘trouble’ or ‘difficult’ and treated as such. You have chosen to be a goat, rather than a sheep.

If you have ever read Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Pirsig (who hasn’t?) – the one thing I liked about his story is this: that perhaps some of the people populating asylums aren’t mad – they have simply adopted a different way of seeing things. Life views are not, and should not be, generic – they are formed from unique life experience either first hand or gathered second hand from books or teachers. These views, or ‘beliefs’ to give them a name, are either: not thought about and accepted due to the perceived authority of the initial giver of the experience / knowledge; or on better days, they are reasoned through, and accepted because they make sense to the person thinking them through.

Because the mass majority adopt a particular life view, does not necessarily mean it is the ‘correct’ life view – it is simply the most popular and by sheer weight of numbers, the pressure to conform to that life view can be overwhelming.

I think there is a huge danger in conforming wholesale. I have chosen, for most of my life, to question everything, despite often ending up with no definitive, single answers. Is it valuable to accept there may be more than one acceptable answer to fundamental questions of life, both philosophically and socially? Sometimes it has caused me hassle because the other people I speak to can’t get their head wrapped around the idea that there is more than one way of looking at something. That it can change. That it can improve. Or disappear. Everything is dynamic – everything is in flux – nothing stays the same forever, except, perhaps the deep void of space, but that is a discussion for another day.

So many people adopt a way of seeing life and then stick to it like a life buoy, unwilling to let it go and swim.

I may have used too many analogies, and perhaps been too vague in the discussion here… but I think there is great value in reassessing your life, and how you see things in relation to yourself, on a regular basis. That one should not go on ‘automatic’ because of the demands of ‘day to day’ living. And it’s really okay to not like mayonnaise. It really is. I prefer pesto.

icy blow

and she came in from the snow
white apple blossom blow
transitory
on her hair, shiny
before it melted
faded
delicate flakes of crystal clear
like her wishes, so near
and yet, whisked far away
white whisps of hope on a cold winter’s day
carried on a flurry of wind and whirl
rosy cheeked girl
ever hopeful
the cold without
belies the warmth within
her only sin
to doubt
if the winter scene
would ever warm to evergreen
and powder ice blue snow
turn to a rosy apple glow

Silencer

WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT?
SHUT… YOUR… MOUTH
YOUR WORDS DON’T FIT
OUR OWN, PRE-DE-SIGNED… REMIT

WE’LL SILENCE YOUR THOUGHTS
BIND YOUR HANDS
RE-ED-U-CATE YOUR INDIE SMARTS
BECAUSE YOU’RE ONLY MIND-LESS MORONS

REQUIRE ME
DESIRE ME
PLEAD FOR ME
…BLEAT FOR ME

Join the chorus
Join the happy throng
Cos if you don’t like our song
You’re wrong
Be gone.

Boomerang

The time has been,
The time has gone,
what once was tied,
is now undone.

Christmas Eve I received a parcel from Amazon. ‘Oohh..’ methinks, ‘it could be a Chrimbo pressie from my brother’. Even if the rest of the world chooses to buy me Totes socks and reindeer mugs, my brother can be trusted to actually consult the list of things I’d actually like for Chrimbo. Christmas Day comes and I’m on the phone to my family swapping best wishes and eventually chatting to my brother who informs me he has had my presents delivered to my parent’s house for safekeeping. Which beggars the question: who sent the package from Amazon then?

After getting off the phone I open up a few presents given by close friends and finally get around to the mystery package.

The message inside belies the sender: my ex.

I’m at the stage now, where I have officially ‘moved on’. Sure, I have hang ups – what girl wouldn’t after seven years of ‘married life’? But I get on with it, and I’m past the anger and wailing and gnashing of teeth stage. Rather, like many who have trodden the path before me, I am at the ‘looking after my own arse’ stage, and really, quite honestly, I want to put it behind me; having had the life experience and learned my lessons.

That strategy does not factor in guilt trippy presents from ‘the ex’ landing on my doormat after one and a half year’s absence. Last year it was an expensive ice-cream machine. This year was a dvd box set.

I wouldn’t mind, but I think I have had maybe 3 communication exchanges with him this year. I know it’s all rooted in the unhealthy soils of nostalgia and guilt.

There was a rather new agey book I read some years back by Phyllis Crystal (I know, how pink and fluffy a new age name is that?) – but the book was called Cutting the Ties that Bind. It’s a simple concept: sometimes we simply need let go the emotional ties that link us to another person. We can end up obsessing about the other person, long after they’ve gone. It can damage us in terms of refusal to open up to other possibilities in our lives, by shutting down and closing up. Her premise is simple – cut those emotional ties, bleed for a while and then heal up. Has some fairly effective techniques for doing it too.

Maybe I should send him a copy.

touch

skin, soft, pliant
ivory, coruscant
candle lit
smile: submit

warm, leaning
implicit meaning
pressed, stroked
feeling, provoked

lips, traced
breast, laced
beaded wet
pulled in, to let:

you, in
my, sin
slow, slide
hard, ride

harsh, pain
pleasure; gain
and once more.. please,
…with feeling …again

Unfamiliar stranger

As almost a follow on set of thoughts from familiar stranger, I feel the need to set down some more, following my experience traveling home tonight.

It’s the last Friday evening before Christmas: and so it’s the height of ‘busy’ wherever you go. I was sitting on the bus home, lost in thoughts – only vaguely disturbed by a bunch of drunk 14 year olds playing that crappy speeded up electro-tech music (that sounds like the smurf’s version of Gloria Estafan) on their mobile phone at the back of the bus – when two guys got on the bus and sat down behind me.

Obviously chatting about the traffic, which was at a virtual standstill, they commented that today was going to be the busiest day of the year for traffic (one had heard it on the radio that morning). All that last minute Christmas shopping, people hitching lifts home after a boozy afternoon post-last-day-at-work. And well, it struck me that this time of year always sets things into sharp relief.

You become so much more aware of relationships with people: work colleagues, friends, partners, family.. maybe because it’s that whole dark, cold weather behind all the garish Christmas lights – the shortest day of the year. A turning point: a place for reflection – and in some cases a trigger point to change.

I was lost in thought again.

Another guy gets on the bus, slightly unsteady on his feet, had one too many before coming home: obviously a professional, in a suit and expensive wool overcoat, short, greying hair, maybe in his mid forties.

He sits down on the seat in front of me, and stares distractedly out of the window.

Five minutes pass and he turns around and directly looks at me, and breaks that fourth wall – the hidden barrier we all set up when traveling out in public. No introductions, nothing, he looks directly at me and says “where are you getting off?”

Initially thrown, and then gathering thoughts, I started to say, “not too far, just…. ” and stopped myself. My turn to be direct.

“I mean.. why do you ask?”

He gives an embarrassed smile and starts to tell me he wants to ask my opinion.

I don’t know this guy from Adam and he wants my opinion.

His words were slurring, alcohol had lowered his inhibitions, and his distracted gaze was probably more likely a stunned stare. “My partner just told me she’s leaving. After seven years. Just like that – over coffee. I mean.. would you do that someone? Just so suddenly, now?”

What do you say?

First thoughts that came into my head were ‘irony’ and then ‘why the hell me?’ but, instead, I said, “Perhaps, it’s because of the time of year. Times like these make people see things in harsh contrast, it triggers something in them – makes them take a step. A choice.”

He stared at me. Disbelief still apparent on his face.

“I mean.. seven years. And she just says ‘I’m leaving’. Just like that. I mean – would you do that to someone? I couldn’t.. I wouldn’t… I mean..it’s not like… you see, I’ve been married twice before.. so I’m dealing.. but.. seven…. And now…” he tailed off, final words died somewhere between thought and delivery.

The two guys behind me had dropped silent.

I picked my words carefully like a girl treading through a field she might know was laced with live mines.

“I think, what you need to do is go home, pick up the phone to one of your friends, hook up for a chat tonight and talk this through with them.”

“But… would you have done that?” he asked, with an earnest look that made me feel like a rabbit in the headlights. As if I was a representative for the entire female populous of the species. Perhaps I was. But I wasn’t his partner, and I wasn’t even a direct comparison, at least, I hoped not.

“No.” I said, “But I’m not really able to comment.”

I looked up – my bus stop was rapidly approaching.

“Listen – I’d suggest you make that call to your friend. And good luck with everything.”

“Yeah.. thanks,” he said – and added, “I won’t follow you off the bus if that’s what you’re worried about. Have a good Christmas & New Year.”

“Gee, thanks,” I thought, “why do people say that? Even when they know it won’t be? Are they hoping?” But I felt sorry for him. Shit time of year for someone to pull that stunt, but what the hell did I know? I didn’t know his name, or his partner’s name, nor their story. Had someone been cheating? Had they grown apart? Was she – or he, just bored?

I’ll never know. A chance encounter on the bus, some limited comfort passed to a stranger, and me wondering 3 hours after the event if he was going to be okay. Dumb. I don’t even know the guy, but being single myself, having come out of a seven year relationship last year – I figure it struck a chord.

Well. For what it’s worth I hope he sorts it out. Good luck to him.

Thought formed

Fat Charlie the Archangel
Slipped into the room
He said I have no opinion about this
And I have no opinion about that
Sad as a lonely little wrinkled balloon
He said well I don’t claim to be happy about this, boys
And I don’t seem to be happy about that
~ Crazy Love, Vol. II

I loved that lyric – it came from Paul Simon’s Graceland album.

Let’s face it, if you run around trying to please everyone else all the time, bending this way and that like the willow in the breeze, and never actually having a solid opinion yourself.. which, incidentally, not everyone is going to like, you will run yourself ragged. And… guess what? You won’t be happy.

Life is really, about trying to be happy. Or rather, it’s one of the main goals. Anyone who says it isn’t are either deluded or have lost the lust for life.

And in order for you to be happy, you need to believe in something and stick with it until something else comes along that convinces you that it’s a better or different option that needs to be taken. And to pursue those things you believe in. Be it the sacredness of ‘God’ – or, in my case, 70% Cocoa Green & Blacks Mayan Chocolate.

Part of the downside is that some people won’t like the decisions that you take, or will disagree with your opinions and / or life view. Guess what? That’s okay too, so long as you point that out to them.

But this means you’re going to end up having an argument or a ‘debate’ with someone, sometime soon. This will result in one of two things: you will have a reasoned argument in which you maybe learn a thing or two and actually modify your own opinion – or you may choose to still disagree with the other person. It is up to them to decide whether they like you enough to still talk to you despite a difference of opinion, or whether that difference will turn them away.

What is important, is that you reason through things, debate them thoroughly, come to an appreciation based on consideration. You do not adopt an idea just because someone else said so. There lies the path of lazy thinking and fundamentalism.

I once had a really interesting conversation with a young girl who came up to me one fresh, bright, sunshiny February morning. I remember it distinctly – I was on my way to meet a friend for morning coffee and was really quite early – so I was sauntering along across Manchester’s town hall square taking in the (relatively) fresh morning air and musing quietly as I wandered along. She saw my lone figure from across the square and made a direct beeline for me.

The ‘uh ohh’ hackles went up when she careered straight up to me and asked me if I believed in the ‘Son of God’. I pursed my lips and smiled.

“Which one?” I asked,

She paused.. jarred.. it wasn’t the response she was expecting.

“What do you mean?”

“I simply asked, which one?…” I grinned. Clearly seeing the confusion on her face, I continued

“I mean, are you talking about Siddartha, Mithra, Horus?”

“No..” she continued cautiously, “- I’m talking about Jesus Christ the only son of God, born to the Virgin Mother.”

“Yeah..” I said.. “but umm… that’s the point – all those others were also born to a ‘virgin’ mother too. And daddy was a god too. So he wasn’t really the ‘only’ son of god – was he?”

She scrunched her eyes up and shook her head.. “only begotten son..” muttered quietly under her breath… “He is the only way to redemption and the glory of God.”

“Listen,” I said, getting serious for a moment, “I can appreciate that you want to fill people up with the good news that ol JC is gonna come into their lives and make everything better – and I know you believe that, and really, I don’t mind that either: you are most welcome to your own beliefs. If it makes you happy, that’s cool. But if you’re going to try and take the tack that I should believe that the only way I am going to be happy is to drop everything I currently believe in, and take up with your JC-only-Son-of-God thing because you say so, well, it isn’t going to happen”.

“But… you have to have FAITH” she said earnestly.

“No,” I said, “I have to believe. There is a difference. Faith is blindly following something without thinking about it. Belief is ALL about thinking about it – coming to believe a notion based on reasoned thinking.”

“You say JC was the only son of god and that’s why we need to have faith. I say there are many paths to choose from – some believe in a redeeming son of god type. In your particular case, Jesus Christ? Well, I would say that JC was probably a historically real person whose actions and philosophies had such a big impact because he touted some brand new ideas about actually treating others with a bit of respect and understanding, a bit of care and share but also thinking about things for oneself. Now that’s worth something. Rather than the kudos of daddy being something big in the pantheon game.”

She looked troubled. Cogs were whirring.

I smiled again… “Look – you go away and have a think about things. Have a good life.”

She nodded, and wandered off distractedly.

And I wandered off for coffee having made another convert.

Information revolution

The one thing I am very aware of these days is the perception that there is “never any time to do anything”. Or that you blink and time has flown by. “Where did the day / month / year go?”

I think it’s not quite so simplistic.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that as technology has progressed, so our day to day choices have increased dramatically. The impact is threefold:

1) Technology and the information revolution means that work pressures have increased. Information is now a world changing commodity and it affects everything: finance, politics, media, culture, education and the workplace. Through the use of the internet, central clearing houses like Reuters and mass media; the general public, public sector and private sector organisations are bombarded with information. Due to the instantaneous nature of information, allocated work schedules shrink, deadlines have constricted and everyone wants results yesterday in the mad scramble towards progress.

2) What the hell to do with all that information? Some use it to make money, some to manipulate, others to wield power, others to learn and to teach.

3) It has a number of effects on people – they become empowered and proactive or fearful and retreat.

It’s all about choices. We have so much information and so much happening at such a fast rate, we’re almost drowning in it.

We need to be selective. We need to step back and assess. To take a deep breathe for a second whilst fighting the oncoming strong tidal pull and to tread water for a moment. We need to not go for the easiest, lowest common denominator option. We need to identify what turns us on – what captures our imagination, what ignites our desire. And then we need to pursue those things like a thing possessed.

Because the moment you switch off, the moment you sit back and say ‘I can not be bothered’, ‘I am too tired’, ‘I don’t want to think about this anymore’… you are lost. Not only to the world but to your self.

I get blazingly angry when I speak to individuals who have become so apathetic about their life that they say, ‘all I do is go to work, come home, eat, watch reality TV or play a self escaping online game and then go to bed’. Living life by proxy is the worst betrayal of yourself you could ever commit.

Then they go: ‘I don’t know where the year went’. I will tell you why the year disappeared in front of your eyes: you achieved no landmarks, you did not pursue your desires, you did not stimulate yourself. You sleep walked your way through.

I’m just as guilty. Or rather, I was. Because for most of my thirties I became ensconced in a relationship in which I suppressed my own character and needs and became nothing more than a workhorse breadwinner, who came home each night, logged on to an online game and played for hours without thinking. I rarely read (converse to earlier years when I consumed books like food), I was barely aware of news / politics / social affairs, I switched myself off. The whys and wherefores are not the issue for discussion here. The effect is: those years blurred and I achieved very little with my life.

Following a few years of severe life changes, I woke up and smelt the coffee.

These days I read, I scour the net for information, I aim to self improve and to deal with any lingering issues I may have. After all we’re human – we’re still learning. But I also believe in gaining experience and sharing it. For that reason this year I also traveled extensively, I made new friends, I discussed ideas and theologies and politics and hell, any stimulating piece of knowledge I could lay my hands on – so I could make a mark on this year. I want to say by December 31st that 2007 was a year that didn’t blur past me. I achieved things, I learned things, I improved myself. I was alive and living my life in the here and now. Not by proxy, not in the hazy past nor the nebulous future.

So. May I suggest, to all those people who comment that time has flitted past them unregistered, that perhaps they should grab hold of the anchor of desire, hurl it into the sea of knowledge and lay down the line of action to disembark the ship of indecision and to make it out to the shores and lands of achievement. Go conquer the New World.

Trust me…

“Trust me”

That’s really an act of faith isn’t it?

Even if you’ve known someone for a while… trust is such a damned fragile thing. Based on assumption, need, hope, desire – well, take your pick.

The thing that the other person is asking you to do is to give them something freely which will make us vulnerable. In becoming vulnerable we have exposed ourselves to that other person, because in trusting them, we have opened up a part of ourselves and given it to them freely.

That’s why, if that trust is broken – if that other person takes what you gave them.. be it information, emotion, love, secrets… if they take that and pass it on to others who were never meant to see it? Well then, a breaking of trust can really fucking hurt.

The reason I am writing this is because very recently, an online friend, in a forum I frequent regularly, had his trust broken in a harsh way by some people who used to be his close friends. They basically posted a whole load of personal stuff he’d told them in total confidence, up on the net, for the world to see. It caused upset not only to him, but also to another person totally unrelated to the forum. As a result, this other person is going through emotional and psychological hell because of the shit it’s dug up. All because the ex-friends wanted to ‘have a go’ in a selfish moment of childish backlash. Desperately selfish, desperately short-sighted.

I know these other people. I don’t ‘trust’ them as far as I could throw them.

But it seems to me, that particularly on the Net, trust is such a precious commodity because with the anonymity that the Intarweb offers, it’s so much easier to spill the beans without fear of someone coming after you.

….Except they can. And do. Because I know personally of stories where something happened online, and people took it out to ‘real life’ and it had physical impact, emotional and ‘real life’ consequences. People can get sued for damages for what they have done on the net; they see the impact in ‘real life’.

‘Real life’ : I hate that term. Because these days, the ‘virtual’ reality of the net and the reality of ‘real life’ have merged seamlessly. They have real impact on us.. not a virtual one. Real emotions, real information, real secrets, real feelings.

That’s why trust is precious even online. It’s not a game. It’s not a bargaining chip. It’s placing faith in another human at the other end of the superhighway line.

Choose your friends carefully. And who you choose to trust with even more care.