Archive for February, 2008

25
Feb
08

Dis-course

He who does not know how to be silent will not know how to speak. ~ Ausonius



Fingers, drummed upon the table
An expression of nervous, disposition
Gaze averted, mumbling: unable
To comfortably relax in straight discussion


Mindless jabber filled the hour
With anxious eyes that followed
Conflicted situation, turns sour
Distracted conversation slowed


Small talk; small fry
Grey zone; white lies
Pregnant pauses; in discomfort
A deficit of words, cut short.


Uncouth thought; closed mind
Open mouth; tongue unkind
Insert foot; shove firmly in:
Relationship prognosis looking grim…


If in doubt, do not shout:
A moral rout; best left out
Of those who say nothing
Few are silent, in their quest to win.

20
Feb
08

Short and sharp

…Belief in our mortality, the sense that we are eventually going to crack up and be extinguished like the flame of a candle, I say, is a gloriously fine thing. It makes us sober; it makes us a little sad; and many of us, it makes poetic. But above all, it makes it possible for us to make up our mind and arrange to live sensibly, truthfully and always with a sense of our own limitations. It gives peace also, because true peace of mind comes from accepting the worst… Lin Yutang, The Importance of Living.

These last few weeks have really brought home to me the brevity of life, and how each moment, really should be appreciated in the now. Far too many of us invest ourselves – our thoughts, our feelings in the future – the “what if’s” of life.

I had a message this morning that a guy I used to know a while back, but had fallen out of touch with, died two weeks ago of a sudden heart attack. He wasn’t a close friend, but he was a larger than life character, full of zest and zeal about life, and I really quite liked his over the top bon viveur attitude to life. He must have been only in his early 50’s.

A close member of my family is also going through the ropes at the moment, having been diagnosed with cancer. It’s advanced and only recently diagnosed. All our thoughts are with him, and I am totally gutted. I only got to know him properly last year as he hates flying and he lives over in the US so he never made it over to the UK – so when I went over there last year, it was really nice to finally meet him and to get to know him.

All of this focuses the mind very sharply. It really does bring home the point that you never do know when your number is going to be up. So it further galvanises my resolve to live each day with quality – that each day should mean something, should gain something – be it spending time with people you care about, or advancing yourself by learning something new – or impacting upon other people’s lives, by doing something for them which may not benefit yourself at all. You make your mark, you do not waste the day, you make your time here matter – to you.

Because in the end, our time here is brief. As I get older, this becomes much more apparent. People you thought would be around forever get old and die. And it’s a shock to your little status quo, because mortality is something that in the West, we don’t like to talk about. It’s something ‘nasty’ that happens way off in the distance.

Except it doesn’t. It can happen any time. So work at what you have, appreciate the relationships you have and work at them, work at yourself. Never cruise through life on automatic… because life is too short.

17
Feb
08

Lost in music

I’ve just been sitting listening to Aaron Copland’s Appalachian Spring. And it made me cry. Not weepy feeling sorry for myself.. just the sheer soaring emotion in that piece just picks you up and drags you up into the sky to see a crystal clear vista of blue with hot white sunshine.

It just reminds me of flying across the American Continent one day in April last year, and looking down and seeing the Rockies just disappearing off into the distance – so incredibly huge, so beautifully awe inspiring, their white tops glinting in the sunlight, not a cloud in the sky.

Its times like these you lose yourself and the trivialities of life, the hum drum goes by the by and you simply take on the immensity of an experience.

I felt like that standing on the edge of the Pacific sea looking out into nothingness, feet disappearing into fine gold white sand, a warm zephyr breeze cosseting my face with a spray of fine grains and ozone. The sun, glinting dappled silver on the crashing waves rolling in…

Close your eyes with the right piece of music and you’ll see it all over again…

15
Feb
08

Hopscotch

An old fashioned game
Of squares chalked on stone
It’s singular aim
With a small marker thrown
To progressively reach
The final number
Taking turns, each
Tries to reach further…


Bitten lip, squinted eyes
Concentrate upon the prize
Deep breath, balance upon one foot
Throw the stone – and watch it
Clatter across the concrete floor:
Roll towards the desired score


Wavering in non-existent breeze
Wobbling, you leap, ill at ease
Hurl yourself towards the mark
And landing, dusted in pink chalk
Skidded knees, grazed n bruised
Slightly dizzy; a bit confused


Wheel around and now you smile
Your friend, in contention, now on trial
Casts their own, hope, upon the ground
Like a wish through the air, without a sound


…..and jumps
…………………high
………………………up
…………………………..towards
………………………………………the blue sky
…………………………………………………………almost as if they could fly
………………………………………………….but
………………………………..gravity calls
……………………slow falls
………..back down
clattering
with a frown


Missed the square:
Not fair.


But like the game
Life never is -
Just a dance of steps
And luck, and near miss


So let’s play hopscotch
You and I
Throw the marker up on high
See where it lands, see where it goes
And perhaps, we’ll fall down laughing…
Who knows?

13
Feb
08

no bad feelings

Well whoopdy dee do for you
I’m so glad you got what you wanted to do
And that everything now is just ticketyboo
After you threw in the towel
Laid it on with the trowel:
Drama queens in the drag
Got nothin on your bag

So smile sweetly at me
And say pretty please
Like it’s all fine and dandy
Whilst offering candy
And flowers by the bunch
All I’d rather do is punch…
You… square in the chops
Or kick you in the bollocks

Cos everything’s not all okay
Like you blanked out yesterday
Although it seems your memory
Is like a goldfish: 10 seconds and free

I’m not the bitchin kind
But I ask you to rewind
Your internal tape and play
And recall what you’d say
In that situ we had
Oh… it wasn’t so bad?
Are you kidding me?
What woolly balaclava is
Pulled over your head so tight you just can’t see?

I wanted to talk
But all I hear is squawk
Shoutin me down and not listenin
Or dour glare, stare and sulkin
That pristine passive pout
Whilst I stand there and shout
But that kicked dog look
All shut up, like a closed book

Beatin down your closed door
Open heart, down and out, on the floor.
I just wanted you to let me in
Is that classified as an original sin?

Ever been in one of those relationships where the other person just used to clam up and sulk, and would never enter into a good argument to air what was bugging either party? So it used to just sit there festering, for days… it’s so damned unhealthy.

I’m the first to admit I hate confrontation, but sometimes you just gotta get down and chew the fat – or fling the poo… I think it’s a hard won experience of mine to say that sitting in silence is never healthy.

10
Feb
08

You got the fear?

Relationships and all their associated emotions. It’s the one subject area guaranteed to get people into animated conversation. Probably because within the human psyche, there is a primal need to interact and gain a response… humans are social creatures. We need family, friends, lovers. Without them, we fade. Well – maybe except the few remarkable souls who choose the life of hermitage – but they tend to be the exception rather than the norm, and battle with the demons of isolation for a lifetime.

Most of us reach out for contact in whatever way we can. Even those tied to the house because of agoraphobia, disability or ironically, anthropophobia, often go on to the internet to seek out connection. Or for those of us less fortunate or less affluent, we may resort to other ways of contact – writing to pen pals, chatting with the neighbours…

Whichever route is sought, that connection seems to feed a part within ourselves – perhaps a method of self validation. A way of gaining comfort through exploring how we think, how we feel, with and through others. Mirroring ourselves against others to try and connect; to try and understand.

Now, more specifically, romantic, emotional relationships are something that have teased and tantalised humankind since, well, we started to have the capacity to abstractly think about the people we’re attracted to. Aeons. And still, because it’s such a subjective thing, still we debate it and analyse it and try to understand it all – because it’s a combination of not only thought but instinctual reaction. Passion and desire are feral emotions: they come from some root place inside us; that colours our thinking. And that fascinates us. And frustrates us.

Science has recently uncovered the chemicals that release within our bodies when we desire someone or something – when passion fills us. They found that these body chemicals have an addictive nature. Our very own emotional crack, supplied by the pusher Evolution itself: our very own genetics trip us up as our bodies react instinctually to our perceptions – and our desires. Bodily trip switches await us at every physical turn: triggered by pheromones, by scent, by the chemicals released through someone’s lips the moment we consent to kiss them. We’re human. We’re also animal. But animals capable of abstract thought. The kind of thinking pattern that isn’t ruled by evolutionary instinct.

Well… let’s back step. Yes it is influenced. Because poets over millennia have waxed lyrical about being ‘sick with love’. How our thoughts become obscured and fogged by the heady perfume of love – of lusty desire… the body-shock of bodily love.

At some point we have all been there. Constantly distracted by the desire of another person. Your mind drifts, and becomes unfocused, independent observation becomes biased.

It’s a classic example of how our biological heritage still holds a heavy influence over our proud claim that humans have conquered evolution with the mind.

Only to a degree.

Our emotions still hold sway. Still wash our succinct, black and white penned technical drawing with a swathe of rainbow emotional colour. And sometimes that wash blurs our precision drawn edges.

And yet, I think we should embrace our emotions. They moderate us, they soften the logical edges, they influence our creativity. Desire has urged on the greatest human feats in our limited history on this planet. To deny desire is to deny interaction, is to deny connection with the world, is to deny your wish to actively interact.

Some spiritual disciplines suggest that withdrawal from the world of Maya, of illusion and desire, is the only way to be free of pain and fear and the only way for the human spirit to transcend and evolve.

But in my thinking, withdrawal and retreat from emotion makes us less than human. It removes a driving force from within: it makes us inert. It removes creative thinking. For to be logical without desire, without active feeling, removes the very chaotic stimulus that we need to be individual, to be human. I am fully aware that some would wish to remove their own ‘self’, and simply merge into a ‘knowing awareness’. But then perhaps, I’m not ready for inert transcendental god consciousness just yet. I’m not ready for oblivion.

I’d rather have the pain and the fear along side the desire and the lust for life and the creative expression it can bring. Even if it hurts like fuck.

08
Feb
08

sweet seduction

red, strawberry jam tart
sweet as sugar, candy heart
fragrant hershey’s almond kiss
slow melt in the mouth, butterscotch bliss
pink cotton candy-flossed hair
sprinkles like space dust through the air
smooth, dark looks chocolate
cool mentholate, after eight
honeyed lips,
golden, drips
marshmallow soft and mellow
a cool vanilla cream flow
of caramel words, silky smooth
pour over your every confectionate move

06
Feb
08

Because you’re special…

For the record I’m going to say it now, before the candied detritus train wreck that is February the 14th happens next week. I fucking hate Valentine ’s Day.

I’m the first to admit it, I’m a somewhat cynical woman, who’s been around the block a good few times now, and so perhaps, I do not see the world with the same dewy eyed wonder, that perhaps I did when I was say, 20. But to me, Valentines Day is quite possibly the most commercialised, cynical, manufactured celebration day out there. Why, on earth, do you need to express your love for someone on one day of the year and all other days remain inert?

If you love someone rather than treat them like a regular habit, sex object or emotional prop… if you LOVE someone: you do not need a commercialised day to express this.

It should happen every day. In the way you are with them: the way you gently trace your finger down the side of their face as they drowsily waken in the morning; the way that you play fight over the TV controller; the way you find yourselves animatedly talking into the small hours of the morning about the intricacies of how to properly make and cook pancakes; the way you can both gaze on your children racing around the garden getting covered in mud and just laugh; the way you can silently, mutually lie curled together soaking up the musical refrain of Grieg’s Piano Concerto.

Expressions and communication and knowing someone. And showing them that. Every day.

It shouldn’t be about a pink glitter card, a wilted bunch of tulips bought from the garage on the way home, and an half acknowledged smile of yes, you’re the person I sleep with under the same roof.


Interestingly enough, Valentine’s Day wasn’t always Valentine’s Day. Once upon a time it used to be Lupercalia.

Lupercalia was a fertility festival of the wolf goddess, Lupa, the mythical wolf-nurse of Romulus and Remus – and also patron of the holy whores of Rome, combined with the Festival of Juno, the queen of the Roman pantheon. Juno’s festival was held on February 14, the eve of the Lupercalia, which began on the 15th.

Once the festival began, goats and dogs were sacrificed in the cave of the Lupercal (where Rome’s founders, Romulus & Remus were suckled by the she-wolf goddess Lupa) and the blood was smeared on the heads of noble, bachelor youths from the city (then washed off with milk as a purificatory symbol of sacred rebirth).

In a somewhat orgiastic fashion, these virtually naked noble youths (wearing nothing but an animal skin around their nethers), would then run up and down through the city, for sport and laughter striking women with their skins. Many women would purposely get in their way, as the whole festival was about fertility magic and mating, many females believing that if they were struck by the youths, that they would become pregnant easily.

This festival is ancient, and it’s likely that in even more ancient times, the girls would have been chasing and striking the boys; in more patriarchal times, the roles reversed.

On the eve of the festival of Lupercalia, it is said that the names of Roman maidens were written down and placed into a large urn. The city’s eligible bachelors would draw a girl’s name from the urn and would then be partnered with her for the duration of the festival. Sometimes the pairing lasted a whole year; sometimes they would fall in love and, in later patriarchal times, marry (though the ancient goddess actually frowned on marriage…)

Ironically, in Christian times this feast was renamed the festival of the Purification of the Virgin… and then became dedicated to an obscure martyr called Valentine.

Why? Well, it’s a two part story.

Emperor Claudius II undertook many bloody and unpopular war campaigns. Claudius was finding it hard to get soldiers to join his military legions, and so cunningly, he banned all marriages and engagements in Rome. ‘Valentine’ was a priest at Rome, in the days of Claudius II. He secretly married couples; for this deed, Saint Valentine was condemned and beaten to death with clubs before having his head chopped off. His martyrdom occurred on the 14th of February, around the year 270.

Later… Pope Gelasius around 486 A.D. sought to finally do away with the pagan element in the more bacchanal of Roman feasts. In attempting to clean up the feast of Lupercalia, he started by substituting the names of saints for those of the maidens in the urns. And as the Lupercalia began about the middle of February, the pastors chose Saint Valentine’s Day for the celebration of this new feast, replacing that of Juno and Lupa. Thus, Gelasius removed the pagan, orgiastic connotations and goddess worship with a more prudish, well behaved, controlled choice of saints as patrons for the coming year and a priest who died in the cause of marrying off the youth rather than encouraging an orgy.

So goes the demise of open sexuality and fertility rites, to be replaced by a well controlled, purified, virginal feast of want-to-be lovers.

I guess I prefer Lupercalia…

I think, in the end, the one concession to Valentines day I will give, is that it’s a nice excuse to mysteriously send someone you like, or love, an anonymous message, maybe as an icebreaker, or perhaps a bit of fun.

But not as the one day in an entire year you choose to tell someone that you love them. That’s almost as throwaway as that tacky pink glitter card.

03
Feb
08

Mimameid


Sssssshhhhhh…
Imaginary winds rustle through dry leaves
Trees standing tightly close together
Silent rows of fact and make believe
As trunks of people sway and gather
Wandering through woods of words
Towering shelves of ash and oak
Thoughts flitting airborne, like birds
Through forest avenues we walk
Arboreal splendour
Knowledge in full flower
Boughs laden with heady omniscient
Pages flitter and rustle with opined content

01
Feb
08

Actions speak louder than words

As the title implies, this little creed is one I live by on a day to day basis.

My job, on a daily basis, is being a researcher. That can mean undertaking interviews with people on a face to face basis. Over the years I have come to the conclusion that so much more can be learnt by what people do, and don’t do, rather than by what they say. This even applies in non-face to face scenarios such as implicit pauses in a phone conversation or avoidance of discussion of certain subject matter… or by the way a person interacts within certain net based scenarios such as within chat rooms, forums, emails or social networks.

Verbal / written communication is accentuated or conflicted by actions.

Let’s focus in on the internet: it being the most nebulous of all communication areas – so many ways to hide behind a mask – a created persona, or to allow otherwise quiet introverts to suddenly become extroverted in their behaviour.

The net, to a degree, offers anonymity. It allows us to control the level of information or disinformation we give out to other people. It allows us to express sides of our personality that perhaps, wouldn’t show up in more direct, face to face interactions. It also allows us to play knock-a-door-run with others. If we interact with someone and find we don’t like them after a while, the internet allows us to ‘disappear’ if we so choose to do so.

And that’s okay.

But this takes me back to the original premise that actions, do indeed, speak louder than words. You can say to people, this is what I do, this is what I believe, this is how I will interact… but in the end, observance of what you actually do, say, and how you interact is far more valuable. It creates much more of an indication of the true you, and what you are about, on the internet. And people DO watch. They observe over a period of time and will maybe pop up eventually with a kind or harsh, comment according to how you’ve been behaving.

An illustrative case is one that happened a few months back on one of the forums I frequent a lot. I am going to anonymise this one for obvious reasons. There were a few ‘stealth’ trolls on this particular forum that masqueraded as everyone’s friends, issuing words of wisdom, establishing levels of trust over quite a short space of time with vulnerable people in private PMs and emails. And then, as a total power play, they turned around and stabbed said people in the back. Quite horribly. They took everything that had been said in confidence and spread it across not only the one forum, but a number of forums where they knew their confidante ‘friends’ posted… and posted all the private details in blazing glory for the whole public to see.

Utter, complete betrayal.

What left me speechless, was the fact that afterwards they went calmly back to the original forum and acted as though nothing had happened… and started the same ‘befriending’ ploy again with the noobies.

Pure sociopathy at work.

So these days, be careful who you confide in online. Because, the person who seems trustworthy, may in the end be touting a false persona. The only way you can be sure if someone you want to trust is true – is to watch how they interact with you (and others) over a period of time. Trust has to be earned… slowly… not quickly. Trust needs to be grown through repeated observation of acts and reactions in regular ways that can be, to a degree, predicted. These will support any communication that is initially undertaken.

This sounds horribly analytical, and of course, no-one is entirely predictable, we’re not machines. But really, we’re all interacting, all the time, and what we do rather than say, is the one indicator that can’t be faked. Not unless you’re an OCD sociopath who is obsessed with interactional behaviour…