Some days… some days are sent to try us.
1. Wake up, feel like shit – have inherited cold from co-worker who insisted on bringing their shitty assed cold into the open plan office. Won’t stop sneezing.
2. Get on bus (which is late) – trawl through post holiday traffic, crawling at a rate slightly faster than a slug on mogadon.
3. Arrive in work 13 minutes late – disapproving look from boss. What’s new?
4. Go to meeting. Clients don’t appear to have a scooby.
5. Get back to office, boss having volunteered a revised set of costs and timings by end of play today. I’m leaving at 4pm to travel across Scotland for further evening work – it’s now 1pm.
6. Trying to focus on work whilst work experience person keeps asking if I remember the day my other work pal scoffed biscuits that weren’t hers. Dead funny. (Starting to lose will to live…)
7. Deadline approaching, still haven’t got costs sorted. Other boss starts spamming email with questions about previous jobs, contacts, timescales. I have 7 minutes to get the sodding costs out.
8. Other colleague comes over and starts asking me how to reformat a chart graph cos the figures aren’t showing. Do I look like I’m laid back on my ass with a pina colada in my hand?
9. Leave – leaving uber boss to finally send my costs off from my email box cos I HAD to leave.
10. Miss train by 3 minutes.
11. Spend entire evening doing research work. Finally leave venue at 9.20pm.
12. Arrive at train station. Guess what? Yeah – missed train by 4 minutes.
13. Crawl onto train… find comfy quiet seat. Settle down. Doors pull shut.
14. The reincarnation of Richard Harris lumbers up the main aisle. You can smell him before you hear him before you see him. He is steaming drunk. He plonks his arse down next to a poor girl sat in front of me. He starts to chat her up. “Eeeeyyoore ayes har liike poohoools ov shockolate….” Then he farts.
15. Get up.. calmly walk down train, looking slightly psychotic at this point.
16. Next carriage – find a seat at other end, sit down and rest.
17. Five minutes later, train conducter appears with…. guess who? Frog marches the guy down and plonks him in the seats opposite to where I am sitting with the rejoining words “don’t annoy anyone here”. He then fucks off, leaving us to hear said messiah of the inebriate slack arse to rant and rave about train conductor and ungrateful bitches who didn’t appreciate his chat up lines.
Fucker. I swear that bastard conductor did it deliberately.
18. Drunkard finally gets up and fucks off down the train to abuse the toilet. I am now plugged into the ipod with hardcore metal playing at full blast – it’s just about keeping me from murdering someone.
19. Twat reappears. Hovers over me and says “ticjhhhets plu-huh-leease…” and starts to snort with laughter. Have you ever seen a female lion’s eyes just before she goes for an antelope’s jugular?
20. Two guys tell him to sit down – I think they sensed a disturbance in the force.
21. Get into station 11pm. Walk home – I need the air. 11.30 Home. Eat. Write ranty blog.
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