Dew
Drop
Drips
Slow
Slide
Slips
Trickles
Streaming
Rolling…
Lucent
Pearl
Stops
Gem
Jewel
Tear
Glints
Hints
Imprints
Without
a
sound
and pulls
at your heart
though you never thought
a
silent
water
fall
could
call
you
back
so hard
Experiences are like keys:
They unlock hidden doors
Casting light, upon shadowed fears
As the brightness pours
Like anointing golden oil
Moistening, kissing, blessing
Open like that illumined smile
Sol, newly arisen: shining
Yet bright light burns
As do these memories
Each faltered step earns
Pain, against contentment’s ease
And life’s lessons driven in
Like nails to bleeding wrists
Whilst self perceived sin
Makes a soul writhe and twist
Self-doubt: looms shadow
Behind Heart’s last bastion door
Is this a familiar stranger
That I have known before?
Brings in one hand the torch
Of gnostic recognition
The other, a blackened shield
Flinching, dark trepidation
But step, I will, upon this shore
New, unknown, yet so familiar
These vows, I break, I once foreswore
Lay bare to open, unbound amour
Life’s experience is bound as a book to words
Knowing Light elucidates the path forwards
And Love, the arrowed key to integral accord.
Main Entry: in·se·cu·ri·ty
Pronunciation: -’kyur-&t-E
Function: noun
Inflected Form: plural -ties
: a feeling of apprehensiveness and uncertainty : lack of assurance or stability
A time of insecurity, when interests of all sorts become objects of speculation. –Burke.
I suffer from insecurity. It sounds like a malady or an illness doesn’t it? “I suffer” because in a way, insecurity is a condition of experience, resultant from lack of confidence in oneself or a situation. Or both.
It can increase our stress, affect our feelings of well being and how we react to those around us… especially if we feel threatened.
I think mine is deep rooted because I never really, ever, felt secure. From an early age, family life was a mad jumble of conflicting signals, of unspoken anger and hidden truths. Some of which I know about, even though I’m not supposed to.
When you learn not to trust situations, even as a child, that in itself creates massive amounts of insecurity and unfortunately can result in some pretty knee jerk reactions. A side product of insecurity can be frustration at non resolution, and following that? Anger.
So… why write this self indulgent confessional? First of all, I’m taking the advice of my good friend James, in that externalising and processing the situation, it allows for analysis, and perhaps some insight. It may help others.
Secondly, this is, in a way, an apology to someone close to me, who I did one of those ‘knee jerk’ reactions to yesterday.
Probably because I expected contact and in not gaining reciprocal contact, began to think that perhaps I was no longer ‘flavour of the month’.
Yep. Dead wrong. Stupidly wrong.
Humans tend to become more acerbic, harsher creatures when they stand to lose things. It’s defensiveness, by being offensive.
Sometimes I wish I was one of those bloody Vulcans from Star Trek who don’t have an iota of emotion in them. It’d make life a damned sight less complicated.
Face it – most of our actions are fuelled by emotion, whether we like it or not. And trust is built upon the bonds of emotional contact – trust is emotive – it’s based on reciprocal friendship with a person, or at least, a respect for that person.
How do we learn to gain trust? By being willing to get hurt.
I guess, in the end, I have a hell bent need to not get hurt anymore. So… I become insecure in an attempt to head it off at the pass. And in the process end up hurting another party.
I guess, perhaps, I have to face up to the dawning realisation that I will be inevitably hurt again in the future, and that I just have to deal with it, when it happens.
Perhaps in becoming more vulnerable, I will become stronger.
Recent Comments