The term ‘definition’ can mean two things:
1) The establishment of the boundaries and confines of something… be it the contours of a body, the geographical boundaries of a map… or how long it takes for a friend to respond and the depth and nature of that response.
2) The meaning of a thing… what exactly is the meaning of a prelonged glance, the cast away comment, or in this case – the dynamic of two people in a platonic relationship?
I’ve had good cause to examine both aspects over the last month or so because my own boundaries have changed, as have the dynamics involved with the contact I have had.. or not had, with friends.
I will point out at this early juncture, that this is not a discussion designed to ‘have a go’ at any one party. I am not in the market for fueling existing paranoias. I am however, in the market for examining what I perceive to be valuable in a friend – and what marks them distinctly apart from an ‘acquaintance’.
This was brought firstly into sharp focus when I was leaving my last place of work. I decided to have an impromptu evening out with some people I considered to be closer friends.
Unfortunately, office politics being what they are, this resulted in some people being offended … as one who shall not be named, quoted to the office in general… “oh, is this the night out for the popular people?”
This is simply an apochryphal story to outline the difficulties of defining that boundary between friend and acquaintance (or ‘colleague’).
I think friendship is something that perhaps provides us with comfort – it’s like a safety cushion against the hard world. It’s a level of certainty you simply don’t have with an acquaintance. It’s known, established, solid ground: with a friend you can confide inner thoughts and feelings. It’s like having a private conspiracy or joke against the Big Bad World. With a friend you can exchange a meaningful glance or comment, and for them to smile wryly and nod back. It’s a level of understanding – of comprehension based on a complicit, almost conspiratorial exchange of thoughts and feelings, often, although not always, based on a commonality of values. But it is based on trust.
I think when some of that commonality goes, then that’s when the friendship can become more distant. Perhaps you no longer share the same beliefs, or your moral boundaries have changed. The trust has gone – you are no longer certain of a trustable response.
There goes that word again: boundaries. Definitions and shapings… lines drawn up to cut up and segment a bewildering world according to viewpoint and feelings.
Perhaps if those boundary line definitions change too much between you and a friend, then maybe we lose the mutual map. We become lost, adrift and distant.
Then, I ask, what is the meaning of a friendship? What is it’s meaning? What depth does it go to?
This is far more of an ambivalent, undefined area. Some say that each friendship is different – that each is unique, based on experience, upon level of contact and what we do with that contact.
I have thought long and hard about this… especially in the light of four particular friends I have – who I stay in contact with online. In each case, the contact is quite sporadic, but in each case when we finally do catch up, it is with meaningful depth and discussion. We share long emails or chats online, and we discuss things that mean a lot to each of us in detail. Both myself and each friend in question will reciprocate with a lengthy response, that validates our friendship fully. We have both shared, nodded and winked, and beaten The Big Bad World back to a copable distance. It doesn’t matter if the next missive comes in a months time, we know that when it does come, it will fulfil the needs of a friendship dynamic.
What, can I ask, do we do when a friend becomes distant? Do we try to grapple back the common ground? Do we try to renegotiate our map boundaries so we might find one another again? Do we lamblast them with emails and texts until they answer? And what if they do answer? Are they happy to do so? Are they even happy to be a friend anymore?
I think, as a last parting gesture, the best thing a former friend can do is to admit that they or you, or the both of us, have changed direction… and that it’s ok. People change, as do their needs and wants and beliefs. Sometimes, we need to part ways in order to unburden the other person who no longer understands us (or we no longer understand them). We then need to find other people who now better fit and understand our personal road map, and the definitions of what we need as a friend: to nod and wink conspiratorially at the Big Bad World – and get on with our lives.
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