How do you do

…What do you do?

A typical opener for a meeting in a corporate party affair.

The number of times I was so tempted to say: “Actually, I’m a sports kiter, I make banana bread at the weekend, and in the evenings I read Chinese war strategies… what do you do?”

Instead out popped the banal “oh, I’m a professional researcher”

Isn’t it amazing how we define ourselves? Especially within the arena of business. I think it’s a particularly Westernised thing harking back to the days of pre-war Britain and the US, when what you did very much defined who you were.

If you were a lawyer, a politician or an accountant, then you would be middle class and gentry. If you were a Lord, or a Baron, then hey, voilà! Aristocracy. If you grafted hard for a living as a factory worker, a maid, a coal miner, a butler, a farrier – then you were working class.

It was rare, if not impossible to leap between the classes. What you did for a living defined the very essence of what you were because probably you worked that job for 12 – 16 hours a day and there was very little time to do much else. Indeed liaisons between the classes were not only discouraged, they were greeted with social notoriety, disgrace and often outcasting. Class and our work, defined who we were.

The word outcasting is self explanatory: out of cast, out of society and off you jolly well trot. Probably to the New World for a new start.

These days, how we define ourselves is a much more complex affair and dependent on our own personal moral code and values, indeed sometimes our habits.

“What do you do?” in business circles is much more likely to elicit a job title and description, but if you take that question out of business and into a simple get together party in more of a sociable setting, then the reaction and the response becomes much more interesting.

“I, uhh, paint”, “I love working with children”, “I write stories”, “I like to go snowboarding”, “I like to cook meals and bake at the weekends”, “I love shopping for make up”,“I love taking a water pistol out during festival time and squirting at people from afar and giggling whilst watching them confusedly spin round looking for the brat who did it”. You know, that kinda thing.

I always find it fascinating how people’s wants and needs now define ‘what they do’ and indeed, who they they think they are.

“I attend Toastmasters International”… okay, so you wanna get into doing business presentations and networking. “I go to speed dating” – mmm… you can’t stand living by yourself. “I spend my days gaming online and I can power level my character up to 50 in five days flat” – you hate your real life and want to escape your current persona. “I work the stocks and shares market every day – I’m making lots of money” – you want / need money to qualify your social standing or you wanna get out of the social / geographical circumstances you are in by buying your way out.

Do you see what I’m doing here?

People say what they do – and then other people then draw a conclusion.

What you say about yourself means the other person invariably interprets you purely by how you describe yourself and what you want to do in life.

People are forever putting other people into labelled boxes. They make assumptions based on very little information. Often simply on what job you do, what you look like and how much money you might be raking in. Because its easy, requires no thinking and many people prefer to live with a pre-made assumption. It’s rather lazy thinking.

It is the rare bird that steps back and decides to define a person not on how they describe themselves, but instead, by how they act, how they interact with others and what they ask of you.

This of course, takes a lot longer, but will give you a much truer picture of who they really are.

If you want to define who somebody is, don’t ask them what they do. Simply shut up and observe what they do instead.

Actions, invariably speak louder, and more deeply, than words ever could.

How do you do.

…What do you do?

Typical opener for a meeting in a corporate party affair.

The number of times I was so tempted to say: “Actually, I’m a sports kiter, I make banana bread at the weekend, and in the evenings I read Chinese war strategies… what do you do?”

Instead out popped the banal “oh, I’m a professional researcher”

Isn’t it amazing how we define ourselves – especially within the arena of business. I think it’s an especially Westernised thing harking back to the days of pre-war Britain, when what you did very much defined who you were.

If you were a lawyer, a politician, an accountant, you would be middle class and gentry. If you were a lord, or a baron, then hey, voilà! Aristocracy. If you grafted hard for a living as a factory worker, a maid, a coal miner, a butler, then you were working class.

It was rare, if not impossible to leap between the classes. What you did for a living defined the very essence of what you were because probably you worked that job for 12 – 16 hours a day and there was very little time to do much else. Indeed liaisons between the classes were not only discouraged, they were greeted with social notoriety, disgrace and often outcasting.

The word outcast is self explanatory: out of cast, out of society and off you jolly well trot. Probably to the New World for a new start.

These days, how we define ourselves is a much more complex affair and dependent on our own personal moral code and values.

“What do you do?” in business circles is much more likely to elicit a job title and description, but if you take that question out of business and into a simple get together party in more of a sociable setting, then the reaction and the response becomes much more interesting.

“I, uhh, paint”, “I love working with children”, “I write stories”, “I like to go snowboarding”, “I like to cook meals and bake at the weekends”, “I love shopping for make up”,“I love taking a water pistol out during festival time and squirting at people from afar and giggling whilst watching them confusedly spin round looking for the brat who did it”. You know, that kinda thing.

I always find it fascinating how people’s wants and needs now define ‘what they do’ and indeed, who they they think they are.

“I attend Toastmasters International”.. okay, so you wanna get into doing business speeches then. “I go to speed dating” – mmm.. you can’t stand living by yourself. “I spend my days gaming online and power level my character up to 50 in five days flat” – you hate your real life and want to escape your current persona. “I work the stocks and shares market every day – I;m making lots of money” – I need money to qualify my social standing or I wanna get out of the social / geographical circumstances I am in by buying my way out.

Do you see what I’m doing here?

People say what they do – and then other people then draw a conclusion.

What you say about yourself means the other person interprets you purely by how you describe yourself and what you want to do in life.

People are forever putting other people into labelled boxes. Invariably they make assumptions based on very little information. Often simply on what job you do, what you look like and how much money you might be raking in.

It is the rare bird that steps back and decides to define a person not on how they describe themselves, but instead, by how they act, how they interact with others and what they ask of you.

This of course, takes a lot long, but will give you a much truer picture of who they really are.

If you want to define who somebody is, don;t ask them what they do. Simply shut up and observe what they do instead.

Actions, invariably speak loud, and more deeply, than words ever could.

Moving on

I’m going to quote an old, favourite book of mine: Illusions, by Richard Bach. It has a lot of simple insights in life, and could be called ‘new age’ – but I like to think of it as a simple story with a lot of good thought provoking quotes; one of which is:

In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.

It is not always an easy sacrifice.

Humans are creatures of habit: we fall into routines, despite ourselves – we like our security blankets of the known and the safe, the things we do regularly, the people we accept as friends, as partners, the jobs we do everyday to earn the money to enable us to do the things we like to do: eat at a favourite restaurant, go to see the movies, a night in with loved ones , pizza and TV.

But are we really happy? Are we focused and engaged each morning that we get up, shower, brush our teeth, comb our hair, get dressed and hit the road to work? Morning coffee wake up, mid-morning water cooler chat, lunchtime sandwich, check the news, afternoon slog, evening hit the rush hour and home. Food, TV, book, bed. Maybe we mix it up every so often of an evening or weekend with a session at the movies.

We have commitments to family and friends and work.

We are incredibly habitual creatures: but the key thing is.. how often do we stop and ask ourselves.. is this what I want to be doing? Is this really the lifestyle I want? Are these the people I really want to be with? Is this the job I want to stay in? Do I even think about what will happen in a year’s time? In five years time?

Some things can not be changed – if you have children, then you obviously are long term committed to their future, so some compromises have to be made to lifestyle. Support is essential. The same goes for dependent family members who may be ill or fragile.

But it does not stop you from shaking things up every so often and saying: I want a change. I want to learn something new. I want to make new friends. I hate my job. I want to push myself further…

I think that letting go of habit, of boredom, the accepted routine is very hard for us to do. It scares us, and challenge is hard to deal with: but I think it is entirely important for us every once in a while to look up from the everyday drudgery and to try and tap into something different. Try a different route home. Read a new book that isn’t a standard crime thriller. Go on a weekend trip into the wild countryside instead of a shopping trip. Ask if that friend that’s not called you back for months is really worth the effort. Question the drip drip feed of reality TV being pumped down your cable – why not watch a natural history show? Ask if the work you are doing is satisfying you – and is there any way to move to something you do enjoy? Can you change even little things about the focus of your work.. can you move sideways instead of out?

I’m asking a lot of questions here, because I think that’s what we should all be doing. Constantly. Never live life on automatic; don’t sleepwalk your way through it. Measure your life by the changes, however small, that you mark your steps by. Regret is the feeling of loss of never having followed your desires and instincts – of having let go and fallen to apathy and impotent acceptance.  There is a need to move on, to break out of old routines and expectations – but by actively thinking, being engaged in the now and in control.

25 things to be (not do)

I originally was writing an article called 101 things to be (not do).

But at number 59 I decided it was sounding highly pretentious and long winded.

In the spirit of KISS (keep it simple, stupid)… I’ve distilled it down into 25, following a creative challenge from a friend.

So… essential thoughts from a personal perspective. It’s not a manual, it’s an individual life view.

1. People change: humans are creatures of habit – they like to think that when things have gotten ‘just right’ that they will always stay that way. Unfortunately they don’t. In fact, the things you bank on being the most safe are often the things that suddenly change or disappear altogether. I know that I have changed over the last three years. Perhaps I’m a harsher person for it – and I know it has affected some friendships. But the one thing I have learned is this: I no longer am a walkover, and sometimes I’m going to be unpleasant because now, I will tell you if you’ve been a dick. Instead of staying silent and just thinking it. But otherwise, I’ll stick through things with those I trust through thick and thin.

2. A good friend will last longer than a lover ever will.

3. It’s okay to change your mind. Even at the last minute.. the last second.

4. I hate the western fashionista world. It’s full of heroin chic, size zero, air-brushed, stick insect women. Women should have curves and gratuitous, rounded mounds of flesh and not feel bad about it.

5. Sometimes I can’t make it. Sometimes I’ll fail. But I never intend to hurt those I let down… it’s just I had to work late, I had no money, or no time or something broke. Sometimes, just sometimes, I misunderstand a situation and will react negatively. If I was wrong – I will always apologise. I’m not too high and mighty to accept that I can, and do, make mistakes. One thing though: if I try and make amends as far as possible and that’s still not enough for you, I can, and often will, walk away. Permanently.

6. It’s ok to follow a dream. The best way to try and make it happen is to take a simple, active, first step towards it. So many people talk about it, but never put their foot where their mouth is.

7. I regularly plant my foot in my mouth.

8. Yes. Women have posh knickers and they have everyday knickers. But we’ll let you dream on.

9. I have this bizarre phenomenon that happens – it’s called the boomerang boyfriend effect. It’s happened more times than I care to mention.

10. One of the worst feelings ever is when two ex-boyfriends meet and discover they had the same girlfriend – namely you, and start comparing notes. In front of you. Including how you squeak at the height of.. uh, passion.

11. Why is smiling such a god damned crime? I mean people see you smiling and think you’ve got ‘one up’ on them or something. Or you want into their pants. Or you’re just a bit crazy. It ain’t necessarily so…

12. I hate silence.

13. What the hell is it with cinema cheese nachos dips? They smell like sulphurous tar pits. They taste much the same. People still eat this shit. I hate the stuff.

14. There is something awe inspiring in seeing an original first manuscript. I saw the original Jane Eyre last month. I was by turns fascinated and reverential.

15. ‘Truth’ is relative. What is true to one person is an outright lie to another. It depends on your worldview, your culture, your belief system, your perceptions. And people forget that.

16. Extremist organised religion scares the hell outta me: its streamlined, one size fits all, ask-no-questions concepts encourage people to obey and not to think. It’s a powerful tool to those who set the rules.

17. Making love is not fucking. Fucking is not making love. Got that?

18. Music is the one thing in the world I could not live without.

19. Insert well known fizzy pop drink…Max? Where’s the max? It has no sugar, it has no caffeine, it’s full of cancer inducing aspartamane. What the hell? What’s the point? I’ll say no thanks.

20. The opening line “I’m not racist, but…” always raises my hackles.

21. Anyone saying they have no regrets, is lying.

22. 70% cocoa chocolate melting slowly in the mouth is on a par with coming slowly.

23. In the face of danger, I will take a deep breath, focus, set my face to deadpan and keep on walking. Albeit at a much quickened pace. The less emotion you see, the more shit scared I will be.

24. I love all the things that are bad for me: coffee, chocolate, alcohol, men. But I still indulge.

25. I see Life as a series of desires, chasing those desires, making attempts, experiencing failures, learning from them, picking oneself up off the floor. But occasionally, I get it right. It’s worth it, and I’ll never, ever, give up.