Hit Delete

Erasing something completely is an ultimate rite
a final decision for incision to the heart
excising with a knife the familiarity
comfortable connections set loose and free
challenging one’s own identity
who and what, defines you or me?

Obtaining release
to cut to the chase
sounds easy
right?

Wrong.

How do you remove an entire history?
acknowledge what has passed by
and without any tearful eye
nor despondent sigh
decide to stride
forward
leaving behind
unwanted traits, thoughts, fading friends
broken toys and lists of intent
that were never meant
to be acted upon
half promises to placate

So… dearest John
or Jane
I feel your passing pain
as yet another number
on your Facebook wall
decides to fall
off the face of the earth
to join the dearth
of happy amigos you could link to

But I doubt it
you’ll frown at number 57
declined to 56
select your contacts list
briefly, distractedly scratch your head
before you return to play the latest send
of mindless zombie farmville
take another chill pill
take another pointless quiz thrill
my notice to quit receiving nil
attention

Simply a reflection
of a wider precedent
where my attempt to dent
your reality futilely
bounced
back
and short of an attack upon your happy numbed existence
I fail to see how our once strong connect could be
anything other than a fading memory

so, you see

This is a reboot
a stepping back
a deliberate attempt
to change tack

to stop playing a part
to stop playing

to start being
a real human being

no longer hiding behind
a Facebook façade
some character charade

This isn’t regress: this is ingress
new steps
a re-visioning, a cutting down
to re-owning
myself.

The Fall

Watery white sunlight
Trickles down
contrite, in it’s effort
to warm cold skin
chilled by autumnal winds
that augur harsher
weather

silver solace,
in this empty place
where children’s voices
echo stark
in this playground park

the last mowing of summer grass
scent of headier days
slowly dries
as the harvest breeze
cleaves the blades

the trees shades
lengthen like reaching fingers
touching the last embers
of summer warmth
that bathes in fits and starts
this pale, pallid disk, masked
as clouds, flit hurriedly past

fleet
apologetic
and intransigent
as the heat

a simple reminder of
this seasonal retreat

leaves hang by
golden threads
glimmering, dangling
russet red
orange green
almost falling

almost there
change is in the air
a sense of gentle chaos
as the mood shifts
the day drifts
towards twilight
and the long good night
of winter
beckons.

Moving on

I’m going to quote an old, favourite book of mine: Illusions, by Richard Bach. It has a lot of simple insights in life, and could be called ‘new age’ – but I like to think of it as a simple story with a lot of good thought provoking quotes; one of which is:

In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.

It is not always an easy sacrifice.

Humans are creatures of habit: we fall into routines, despite ourselves – we like our security blankets of the known and the safe, the things we do regularly, the people we accept as friends, as partners, the jobs we do everyday to earn the money to enable us to do the things we like to do: eat at a favourite restaurant, go to see the movies, a night in with loved ones , pizza and TV.

But are we really happy? Are we focused and engaged each morning that we get up, shower, brush our teeth, comb our hair, get dressed and hit the road to work? Morning coffee wake up, mid-morning water cooler chat, lunchtime sandwich, check the news, afternoon slog, evening hit the rush hour and home. Food, TV, book, bed. Maybe we mix it up every so often of an evening or weekend with a session at the movies.

We have commitments to family and friends and work.

We are incredibly habitual creatures: but the key thing is.. how often do we stop and ask ourselves.. is this what I want to be doing? Is this really the lifestyle I want? Are these the people I really want to be with? Is this the job I want to stay in? Do I even think about what will happen in a year’s time? In five years time?

Some things can not be changed – if you have children, then you obviously are long term committed to their future, so some compromises have to be made to lifestyle. Support is essential. The same goes for dependent family members who may be ill or fragile.

But it does not stop you from shaking things up every so often and saying: I want a change. I want to learn something new. I want to make new friends. I hate my job. I want to push myself further…

I think that letting go of habit, of boredom, the accepted routine is very hard for us to do. It scares us, and challenge is hard to deal with: but I think it is entirely important for us every once in a while to look up from the everyday drudgery and to try and tap into something different. Try a different route home. Read a new book that isn’t a standard crime thriller. Go on a weekend trip into the wild countryside instead of a shopping trip. Ask if that friend that’s not called you back for months is really worth the effort. Question the drip drip feed of reality TV being pumped down your cable – why not watch a natural history show? Ask if the work you are doing is satisfying you – and is there any way to move to something you do enjoy? Can you change even little things about the focus of your work.. can you move sideways instead of out?

I’m asking a lot of questions here, because I think that’s what we should all be doing. Constantly. Never live life on automatic; don’t sleepwalk your way through it. Measure your life by the changes, however small, that you mark your steps by. Regret is the feeling of loss of never having followed your desires and instincts – of having let go and fallen to apathy and impotent acceptance.  There is a need to move on, to break out of old routines and expectations – but by actively thinking, being engaged in the now and in control.